Dear courageous leaders,
I want to name something I see often, and almost never hear talked about directly.
Leaders who have done the work. Who have sat with hard questions, named their patterns, clarified what matters, and built genuine insight about themselves and their leadership. And who still, somehow, cannot move.
Not because they lack information. Not because they lack commitment. But because the goals they are carrying feel like weight rather than direction.
There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from a long list of things you feel you have to do. Have to finish. Have to fix. Have to attend, prepare, address, resolve. The list is real. The stakes are real. And yet the more it accumulates, the harder it becomes to take even one step forward.
Underneath that paralysis, something is happening.
Shame whispers that you should already be further along. Perfectionism raises the bar just high enough to make starting feel impossible. The inner critic, well-practiced and quick, reminds you of every time you tried before and fell short.
None of this is failure. It is what happens when the goals we are carrying have become disconnected from the values that give them meaning.
Susan David, in her Emotional Agility work, puts it simply and precisely: have-to goals drain energy. Want-to goals fuel persistence when things are hard.
The shift from one to the other is not about thinking more positively. It is about going deeper. Finding what is actually alive underneath the obligation. And letting that be the thing that moves you.
This is what Susan David calls Moving On. It is not about moving faster or pushing harder. Moving On shifts us from reacting under pressure to taking action guided by purpose. When we are guided by purpose, rigid self-imposed expectations give way to real choice. We can move from "I have to fix this" to "I want to live this."
That shift changes everything.
The Lens: Moving On
In Susan David's Emotional Agility framework, this stage is called Moving On. It is the art of creating meaningful, lasting change, not through willpower or pressure, but through alignment between what we do and who we want to be.
Consider a few images Susan offers in her work.
The leader who keeps promising to have more meaningful conversations with their team but keeps postponing them. The person who wants to get organized but freezes at the sight of their inbox. The parent who longs to be present but is always pulled somewhere else.
These are not failures of willpower. Beneath each one, a value is trying to speak. Clarity. Courage. Connection. The action is not missing. The meaning behind it has been buried.
Have-to goals feel imposed. They arise from pressure, expectation, or fear of letting others down. They sound like: I have to finish this. I have to attend this. I have to fix this. Have-to goals create tension. Action feels like effort without desire. This leads, almost inevitably, to resistance, procrastination, or the exhausting cycle of stop and start.
Want-to goals feel different. They are connected to something deeper. They reflect genuine values and genuine reasons for caring. They sound like: I want to communicate clearly so my team feels supported. I want to work together with more ease and honesty. I want to be healthy and strong for the people I love.
Want-to goals create momentum. Because they draw on what actually matters, it becomes easier to stay engaged, navigate setbacks, and return after falling short.
And here is what matters for those of us who lead: this is not just personal work. In teams, the shift from have-to to want-to looks like psychological safety. It looks like trust. It looks like a culture where people feel genuinely connected to the work, not just obligated to it. Small, values-based moves, repeated over time, shape culture. They make it easier for everyone to move toward what matters.
Motivation follows meaning. When goals reflect values, they point you toward the person you want to be.
Clear Eyes. Full Hearts Practices
Three practices in this edition, built to move you from insight to action. Start where you are.
Practice One: Spot the Want-To (Two minutes)
Take one thing on your current list that feels heavy. Something you have been avoiding, postponing, or dreading.
Write it as a have-to statement.
Now ask: what value or desire might be present underneath this? What matters to me here, beneath the obligation? How does this connect to the person I want to become?
Then rewrite it as a want-to in one sentence you would actually say.
Here is how this sounds in practice.
Have-to: I have to prepare this presentation. Want-to: I want to engage authentically with the audience so people gain value from our time together. Hidden values: wholeheartedness, generosity, wisdom.
Have-to: We have to fix our communication issues. Want-to: We want to work together with more ease and honesty. Hidden values: trust, transparency, belonging.
One note from Susan David's work that matters here: this is not a positive thinking exercise. We are not papering over real constraints or warning signs. If you genuinely cannot find a want-to, treat that as useful information. It may mean the goal needs to change. Or that something in the context must shift first.
Practice Two: Find the Hidden Value (Five minutes)
Many obligations contain a hidden value. Slowing down reveals it.
Choose something you feel you have to do this month. Then move through these questions:
What matters to me underneath this task?
What values does this connect to in my life or work?
How does this action support the person I want to become?
Write one sentence that frames it as a want-to goal you would actually say out loud.
When intention meets values and the next step is small and real, change becomes possible.
Practice Three: The House of Change (Fifteen to twenty minutes)
Use this when a change matters and has been hard to sustain. It maps one real shift across four areas and helps you choose small, specific supports that fit your values.
Start by naming the change in one line.
My change: ____________
Then work through the four areas.
Thoughts (notice): What story is your mind offering about this change? Write one line. Notice whether it is a have-to story or a want-to story. Notice whether it is workable.
Emotions: Name one feeling that is present here. If it points toward a value, name that value. Feeling: ____________ Value: ____________
Behavior (tiny step): What is the smallest next values-based step? (You do not need the whole plan. Identify one move that is small enough to do today or this week.)
Environment (make it easy): What one tweak to your space, tools, time, or support would make this step more likely to happen?
The House of Change works because lasting change requires the inside and outside to line up. Insight without environment rarely holds. Environment without meaning rarely sustains. When all four areas are addressed, even briefly, change becomes doable rather than overwhelming.
You can use this for yourself. You can also bring it to a team conversation, a coaching session, or a planning moment where a meaningful shift is needed and the path forward feels unclear.
Journal Prompts
Choose one.
What have-to goal have I been carrying that is quietly draining me? What want-to might be hidden inside it?
Where has shame, perfectionism, or the memory of a past attempt been making it harder to begin? What would it look like to ease that pressure and take one small step anyway?
What change matters most to me right now, for myself or for my team? If I mapped it through the House of Change, what would I discover?
Invitation
If something in this edition landed, I would love to hear what you noticed.
What have-to became a want-to when you slowed down? What hidden value surfaced?
You can simply reply with a sentence. I read every one.
In our next edition, we will bring the full arc together. We have moved through being hooked, showing up with presence, widening perspective, walking our values, and now taking meaningful action. The final edition will explore what it means to practice emotional agility not as a destination, but as a repeatable, human capacity for leading well in a complex world.
Clear eyes. Full hearts.
Paula
Inspired by Susan David, PhD, and her work on action, motivation, and meaningful change in Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, and from the Emotional Agility practitioner training workbook.
P.S. And if you are carrying a goal that matters but has been hard to move on, a complimentary Clarity and Alignment Consultation is always available. It is 45 minutes to slow down, name what is alive, and identify one small, workable next step. You do not have to figure it out alone.
If you would like to learn more about Ignite Personalized Leadership Coaching and how this work unfolds more deeply, click the button below. You do not have to carry it alone.
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