Dear Courageous Leaders,
Lately, I have been noticing a pattern in many of the leaders I work with. It is not loud or dramatic. In fact, it often looks like composure.
Leaders are holding it together.
Staying professional.
Keeping things moving.
And underneath, something is being avoided.
Susan David names three common ways we do this. She calls them shadow avoidance patterns. They are deeply human responses to discomfort, especially under pressure.
Some leaders brood. They replay a conversation or decision over and over, ruminating without relief.
Some bottle. They suppress what they feel, deflect, and move on, even as the emotion shows up later in the body or behavior.
Others practice forced positivity, bypassing what is hard by insisting everything is fine and policing emotion in themselves and others.
None of these patterns mean something is wrong with you. They mean you are human in a system that often rewards performance over presence.
The cost is that when we avoid what is here, we lose access to clarity. We tighten. We manage. We push past. And the very information we need to lead well goes underground.
Susan David’s work on emotional agility offers a different starting point. She calls it showing up.
Showing up does not mean indulging emotion or acting on every feeling. It means meeting our thoughts and emotions with presence, compassion, and acceptance. It is the moment we stop fighting reality and begin to see it clearly.
As David writes, acceptance is a prerequisite for change. Possibility begins when we show up to what is hard. All emotions are normal, expected, and human. Acting on them is optional.
When leaders show up this way, emotions become data rather than directives. Thoughts become events rather than truths. And something important returns. Choice.
This kind of presence takes backbone. It asks us to stay with discomfort rather than rush past it. It asks us to replace judgment with curiosity and self criticism with compassion.
Belonging does not require agreement but understanding of how one fits and what one can contribute. And leadership does not require emotional suppression but more awareness of what thoughts and emotions are designed to help us explore.
A Growth Practice: Noticing Your Hooks
This short practice is an invitation to meet the moment as it is, without tightening against it.
You can do this quietly at your desk or in the space between meetings.
Take one slow breath and ask yourself:
Can I let this discomfort be here for one breath?
For another?
Then gently name what is present:
What am I feeling right now, and where do I notice it in my body?
What truth in me wants to be seen?
If judgment shows up, that is part of what is here too.
Finally, offer yourself compassion:
What would kindness toward this look like in this moment?
There is nothing to fix. This is about presence, not performance.
Leadership Translation
When leaders can name what is here, conversations change.
Hard feedback becomes clearer.
Silence becomes safer to break.
Teams feel less pressure to perform confidence and more permission to speak honestly.
Showing up this way creates psychological safety not by smoothing over tension, but by allowing truth to exist without punishment.
Presence widens perspective. And from that place, better decisions become possible.
If this reflection resonates, I would love to hear what you noticed as you tried the practice. You can simply reply and share a sentence or two.
In the next Dispatch, we will explore how to widen perspective when emotion runs high and the frame feels narrow.
Clear eyes. Full hearts.
Paula
Inspired by Susan David, PhD, author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life.
P.S. If you are navigating a situation where emotions feel heavy or a conversation feels delicate, I offer a complimentary Clarity and Alignment Consultation. It is simply a space to slow down, name what is here, and identify a values aligned next step.
If you would like to learn more about Ignite Personalized Leadership Coaching and how this work unfolds more deeply, click the button below. You do not have to carry it alone.
Inspired by Emotional Agility by Susan David, PhD, and her work on presence, acceptance, and emotional agility in leadership.
